So often I go through my life complaining about things instead of seeing how truely blessed I am. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining about other people that complain, just myself! Somehow I just don't feel that it's very becoming to ME as a Christian. Oh, I have plenty to complain about. I surely don't have an easy life, but then again who does?
I complain because I don't feel well most every day of my life. Fibromyalgia for me brings unpleasantness in many packages. For example.....I'm always tired. And not just your usual, I need to take a nap tired......... No this is more like, I don't think I can walk from my bedroom to the living room without falling down kind of tired. If I do take a nap, it can last several hours. But then again that's probably caused by the fact that I don't sleep at night like most people. Not by choice, mind you. I'd love to actually go to bed and fall asleep sometime before midnight each night, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I've slept in the recliner the last 3 nights because I couldn't go to sleep at all (even though I take a host of medications at bedtime, including a sleeping pill) and then when I did finally get tired enough to sleep, I was too tired to be able to walk to the bedroom. Of course it was already 6 am by that time.
I have constant body wide pain. An ache, if you will, much like that of the flu I suppose but extreme. The best way I can describe it is to imagine the WORST toothache you've ever had, all over your body at the same time. Then I additionally have throbbing pain and muscle spasms in varioius parts of my body. And worst of all, the migraine headaches. I have a headache every single day of my life, but of course some are worse than others. I'm lucky when it's just a dull headache. I'm crying when it's a migraine. It feels as if your head will explode. It even hurts my hair. After a bad migraine, my scalp will be sore for days. The sensitivity to noise, smells, lights that come along with it. The nausea that also accompanies it. It's a disaster!
Along with the pain issues I have other health problems such as IBS, Restless Leg Syndrome, Ankylosing Spondylosis, OsteoArthritis, PCOS, Panic attacks from Anxiety, Depression, Acid Reflux, Hiatal hernia, Ulcers.........................the list goes on and on.
Now I know you think I just told you that I didn't like complaining, but what I actually said was I don't like it that I complain. I love to complain and sometimes you just HAVE to vent. You have to let out your feelings sometimes or you'll just die from holding it all in. But something happened to me today that made me think, maybe if I spent a little more time being thankful, and a little less time complaining I wouldn't FEEL so bad all the time.
See for the last 1 1/2 weeks I've thought that I was pregnant again. I have one miracle daughter who is 5 1/2 yrs old and I Praise God for her. I'm so thankful that she is here with me and I wouldn't change anything about having her. My life would be void without her. But I don't have an easy life and things get complicated with a 5 yr old. I can't do things that other mothers can and I feel terrible about that. I'm on a host of medications that I wouldn't be able to take, if I were pregnant, not to mention the damage it could do to the baby already. I stay exhausted every single day of my life and what energy I have, I spend on my daughter and husband. If I were pregnant, my life just would cease to exist I think. I'm 41 yrs old. My daughter is just starting kindergarten and I'll finally, after 5 years, have a couple hours to myself every day during school. I can actually take a nap without feeling guilty or trying to corral my daughter into taking one with me (which never works!).
Don't get me wrong, if I had been pregnant, I would have still been a good mother, or as good as I could be, but for me that would be taking away what little quality time I have with my daughter now.
So when I got the call today telling me it was NEGATIVE, I was thrilled!!! I'd never been this happy except one other time in my life and that was when I'd gotten a similar call 6 years ago telling me I was pregnant. See, with my condition of PCOS it's virtually impossible for me to have children. That's why Tabitha is such a miracle. She wasn't supposed to be here. And now that I know it's just her for the rest of my life, I can actually plan a life with her. I still have plenty of things to complain about, but I realized that such a little thing, a negative pregnancy test, enabled me to enjoy life a little better, a little stronger, a little longer. God knew all along what I could and couldn't handle, but I think He let me go through this to appreciate what I have NOW. I too often take it for granted that I have time to play with my little girl. I take it for granted IF I take a nap. IF I spend time blowing bubbles outside with her. As I sit here with tears streaming down my cheeks, I'm hoping that I remember this the next time I'm hurting so bad I can't get out of bed, or can't go shopping because I'm too tired, or miss church to lay on the couch because I didn't have the energy or stamina to even get dressed that morning. Thank you God for not letting me be pregnant today. I even thank you for my illnesses because I know you have a plan and I'm not alone here, ever!
I just want to take a moment to. ............. THANK GOD FOR THE small STUFF!!