Thursday, January 28, 2010

Putting Things Into Perspective

Not so very long ago, it seems I was being given my 1st diagnosis of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Of depression, high blood pressure, cluster and migraine headaches............of polycystic ovarian syndrome and the list just goes on and on. From the very first mention of these illnesses I had felt like it was the end of the world at least the end of MY world. I've continuously pondered what my life was going to be like with the illnesses short term and long term. I've went through all the stages with each new diagnosis, trying my best to just get to the acceptance part of my life as I grieve it's loss.

On Tuesday of last week, something happened that has helped me put my life, with all it's illnesses, into perspective like nothing else ever has or ever will do again. My Mother was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, which is a terminal disease, and advised she has roughly 6 months to 1 year to live, barring the miraculous hand of God. All of a sudden I don't notice the pain in my back and legs and neck and arms now because I can't feel them over the pain in my heart. I'm sure at some point the numbness will wear off and I will once again be caught up in my self administrations, but for now I can only feel the sharp pain in the vicinity where my heart once took up residence.

A lot of people would say that my Mom has led a full life and has no regrets, which I believe to be true. However it is not for her loss that I grieve, but my own. I have a 6 year old daughter that I wonder how I'm going to raise without the wisdom of my Mother. Who do I go to for advice now? And Christmas just won't be the same without Mama's Fudge Pound Cake! How will we fill the void that she is going to leave?

All that I truly know now is that she is suffering more than I've ever suffered with my own illnesses. All her independence is gone and she is totally dependent on others now for her most basic of needs. I do not wish her to have to spend 6 months like this. I pray that God will be merciful and take her quickly so that she does not have to suffer so.

I've finally found something that causes more pain than that of Fibromyalgia............the loss of my Mother's freedom, personality and life. And this is so very painful that only God's peace can give relief. No amount of pain medicine will help this ailment. Only trusting in my Lord and Saviour, which is also my Mother's, will give me Peace in knowing that she will be in a much better place where there is no pain or sorrow ever again.

So in hindsight now I know that I CAN get through this illness called fibromyalgia, Because if I can get through the loss of my Mother, I can get through anything. She's my best friend, my confidant, my advisor. For many years she was my teacher, my doctor and nurse, my seamstress, dietitian, taxi driver, etc.... You name it and she filled the need for me. I'm going to miss her so much. I already do miss her. Her vibrant spirit and strong will. But I know there is a life BEYOND this life where she will be free and unencumbered by this earthly shell of a body.

Here in this life, she has been my prayer warrior to God regarding my illnesses. She has asked for strength and grace to bear my burdens and even for healing. And God has answered many of these prayers with a yes. I know once she leaves this world she will still be praying for me, but from now on she will be able to ask God in person to help me through each day. Fibromyalgia has no hold on me. Nor any of my other illnesses for one day I shall be with my mother again and neither of us will be sick any more. We will have blessed perfect bodies and there'll be no more pain or suffering.

I thank God for helping me Put Things Into Perspective!


Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

God Bless you and your mother. I will be praying for both of you. I am sorry you have to go through all of this. I know all about the pain of Fibro and all its "friends"...but haven't had to face losing a parent. Keep trusting the Lord...He will get you through all of this.

Trisha Pearson said...

Teresa, I'm so sorry you've had to through such a difficult thing. I haven't had to face losing a parent (to death anyway) but I know people our age and younger who have, so I've seen how hard it can be. May God give you strength as you cope with your loss. Hugs to you fibrosister.