Tuesday, October 20, 2009

When Is It Enough?

I tend to try to be positive to the outside world, even though I'm a negative person by habit, but I must admit I don't feel much to be positive about tonight. I've had a very bad day cognitively. Physically, I was much better. It was a good day even. But my brain has been MIA.

First, I slept through the alarm clock, again, today. My daughter had to repeatedly call me to wake up. She's only 5! After I finally woke up things seemed to go smoothly. We both dressed, ate breakfast (which usually NEVER happens) and basically got ready for our day. I took her to kindergarten school at 9:00 am and proceeded to drive the additional 15 minutes to ToysRUs. There I waited for them to open (still awake) and soon went in. I was looking for Zhu Zhu Pets. They're the hottest toy right now. Or at least one of them and my daughter loves them. There are 9 hamsters in all and my daughter has 4 of them. She of course wants the other 5, which we are constantly searching for. Anyway, they were out, but I did manage to pick up some doll house furniture at Buy one Get one Free for her doll house for Christmas presents. That was a great deal.

I walked out to my car and remembered that I had to ship a package at the UPS store so I got in the car and proceeded to drive back in that direction. Up to this point I have acted like a normal person, which is extraordinary for me. I hadn't forgotten anything. No mishaps. Everything was just cruising along.
Until I saw the red light! What are you supposed to do at a red light? We all know the answer, right? Apparently not! Now I had shown no hint of fibrofog up to this point, but now it decides to kick in. As I approached the very busy intersection, with cars all around, my light turned red. I had PLENTY of time to stop. No stomping on the brakes was necessary. But for some strange reason my brain decides that it does not know what to do at a red light. I momentarily froze (although the car continued driving) What do I do? What am I supposed to do? Just as I pass under the red light, I decide to floor it. NOW my brain kicks in~ Ahhh, you were supposed to STOP at the red light! Thank God it was after school hours had begun, but before lunch time. I am sure I would have had a wreck if it had been any other time of day. But as it was, though busy, it wasn't hustling as at other times of the day. The other people seemed just as dazed and confused about what I did as I was because no one even honked a horn. Thankfully there were no police around. Although I am not sure whether there was a camera at that intersection or not, so I may end up with a driving ticket in the mail. Lord, I hope not!

After this fiasco I managed to regroup and finish driving to the UPS store. Nothing unusual happened there, but I decide to treat myself to breakfast (I fed Tabitha this morning, not myself) at Burger King. I love their Ham, Egg & Cheese Croissants. Anyway, that all goes smoothly and before going home I make the decision to stop at Walmart, just to check on the Zhu Zhu pets there. All out!! No surprise there, huh~ I did pick up a couple of things for Christmas gifts and some Halloween candy though.

I arrived home 2 1/2 hours after I had left this morning. Only to discover I had forgotten and left the TV set on. But that's no big deal, right? I mean that's not hurting anyone! Well I sit down and decide to answer some emails and do some other odds & ends on the computer. It's 11:15am so I've got 1 hr 45 min before I have to pick Tabitha up at school. I am feeling a little tired, but nothing major and my brain seems to have recuperated from the red light fiasco. I've already taken care of business on the computer so I decide to hunt a few eggs on FaceBook.

The next thing I know my husband is walking through the front door yelling "Where's Tabitha"! I have no idea and where did he come from? He doesn't get home until 2:15 pm. Well, as it turns out I had fallen asleep (again) in my recliner and totally slept through picking up my little girl at school. This is NOT the 1st time this has happened in the last month. Actually it's the 3rd time it's happened in that period. My husband grabs the keys, runs out the door to go pick her up and shouts at me to call the teacher/principal of the school to be sure Tabitha is OK and still there and that he's on his way to pick her up. After he left, I did call Mrs. Elaine (as the children call her) and apologized profusely, for which she kept saying not to worry about it. Everything is fine (she knows I am sick) and not to worry about. Of course, I totally break down on the phone and begin sobbing. How could I do such a thing? What is wrong with me? I am such a terrible mother. Seriously, I must be. And what makes it even worse is that my husband and Mrs. Elaine have both called me during this period. A total of 5 phone calls were made and messages left on the answering machine. The PHONE IS 12 INCHES FROM MY HEAD!!!!!!!! How did I not hear it? What is going on!!!!!

Now you may say that it's probably just some of my medicine that I'm taking. After all I am on about 12 meds right now. But as it turns out, my brain wasn't TOTALLY functioning early this morning because I forgot to take ANY of my meds. So I wasn't groggy from medicine. What's the deal?
(Before you go crazy wondering, Tabitha was fine, still at school. Having fun with Mrs. Elaine cutting pictures out of magazines. Turns out she's there until 3 pm every weekday. Thank God for Mrs. Elaine!)
After Tabitha got home from school I tried doing some more work on the computer but fell asleep again. I slept for 3 hours and my husband had to wake me for supper.

Maybe I used too many spoons this morning early. Maybe I wasn't having as good a day as I thought initially. I don't know. I just don't know. But I don't think this is normal, even for a person with fibromyalgia. I know that extreme fatigue is a symptom, but I'm scared something else is going on. The doctor had given me a prescription for Provigil which is to combat the fatigue, however my insurance won't pay for it. They denied it as it wasn't FDA approved for my condition they said. I don't know........I may have to just fork out the money and get this one anyway. It's $250.00 for a 30 day supply. There is not a generic for this and I don't think there is a substitute either.

Just when I thought I had a handle on this fibromyalgia thing, now I'm having additional symptoms that are quite frightening. What if I fell asleep while driving? I do it RIDING in the car all the time now. I do it while people are talking to me! I am not going to lie to you, I'm really scared right now. What if I have narcolepsy? My sister & brother has epilepsy. Isn't it a related condition? What am I going to do?

When is enough ENOUGH? I'm very weak and broken right now and I don't know if I can handle having another diagnosis. God is good to me, so good to me. I am thankful for all He's done and is doing through my illnesses. But I'm just not sure if I can handle having something else added to my list. I'm so tired: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc....
I know that whatever happens, God will give me the grace to get through this, but I can't help but asking, "God, When is enough, enough?"

Please, Please, Please add me to your prayer list. I know this may be a small thing compared to what COULD be wrong with me, but it's a HUGE thing to me right now. Thanks for all your support!

1 comment:

Trisha Pearson said...

Oh my goodness, what happened to you today is like one of my worst nightmares, something that could have easily happened to me many times. I've gone through spells where I've fallen asleep like that. I've woken up with no idea where my kids are and no idea how long I've been asleep. It's very scary. But it is odd that you felt so normal earlier in the day. Usually, when I fall asleep like that I've been really tired. But still, with fibro fatigue and fog and changing medications, I wouldn't suspect a new condition just yet.

I'm glad you posted this. Maybe others will respond with similar stories and it can help ease your mind.

You are a good mom, Teresa. You can't help falling asleep.

Um,I'm afraid my muscle relaxers are kicking in already so I'm going to hit the hay. I'll talk to you more tomorrow. I hope you are able to sleep tonight.